Flog me (in a way I wouldn't find fun)

I am a very bad person. There are people in this world who don't even get to have Guiness and here I am wasting it.

Let me tell you my story.

Last Thursday I went to my local watering hole for a burger and a pint of Guinness. A few minutes later the waitress shows up with a pitcher of the black elixir (discussion about the inappropriateness of serving Guinness in a pitcher is beyond the scope of this discussion). I inform the waitress of her error and she whisks away my beverage. A minute later she returns with the pitcher saying that they probably wouldn't sell anymore tonight, so it's all mine. At this point I have two problems:

• I'm the only one there who can drink
• I'm the only one there who can drive my 5-speed Cougar home

So I tried to drink very slowly, logic which flies in the face of what I'd just read about in A Guide For The Un-initiated To Buying Guiness In An Irish Pub:

A science of rings is developing - the instance that comes to mind is determining a persons nationality by the number of rings (a ring is dependent on a swig of Guinness each swig leaving it's own ring). An Irishman will have in the region of 5-6 rings (we pace ourselves), an Englishman will have 8-10 rings, an American will have 17-20 (they sip) and an Australian won't have any at all as they tend to knock it back in one go!

But alas I had to try something so that it wouldn't go to waste (the beer getting warm was no problem, it's Guinness!). I even went around to other patrons at the bar offering up my windfall. I had no takers (even the gentleman who ordered a Guinness/Double Diamond black-and-tan turned me down).

At this point, I could try to make excuses, but I won't. They'd be hollow. With a tear in my eye, I left an unfinished pitcher of Guinness at my table and walked out.

I'm gonna take the guilt to my grave...